On Happiness

Alex had yet another seizure last night, which would make four in just one month. We are working with the dosing of his medicine to try to control these horrible episodes, but still, there is no guarantee he will ever stop having seizures. We have no idea if the problem is scar tissue, his shunt, or something else. We have become accustomed to waiting and seeing. Being madly in love with someone who has an uncertain future can be tremendously stressful, and in fact, causes biological premature aging. Of course, everyone's future is unpredictable, and as parents, we always worry about our kids no matter how healthy they might be. Parents of sick children exist on another level of worry. This worry can cause myriad problems, from depression to divorce. When Erik and I were imagining our family, we dreamed, like most, of having smart, healthy children who would run and play and enjoy childhoods filled with friends and endless sunlight. The sudden shock that our lives would be anything but normal and the yearly developments of complications caused from Alex's premature birth, have been accompanied by a degree of post traumatic stress. I am a huge advocate of running to reduce stress--running keeps me on an even emotional keel every day. But reduced stress is not a measure of happiness. So how do we find happiness when someone we love lives in a fragile balance? I'm sure there are many answers to this question, and to the general question about finding happiness. For me, and for Erik, the key to our happiness is to live as best we can in the moment, and in this moment, we are parents and friends. So, we spend as much time as we can enjoying our children. Sometimes enjoying them means splitting them up, so that we can share good one-on-one time. Sometimes, it means turning on loud music and dancing like crazy people, because the kids are full of beans that day. Sometimes, it means snuggling them to sleep because they have had a bad day or are scared or simply want to feel us close to them. It means saying no to anything that takes us away from family time. It means slowing down the pace of our lives and our commitments until we walk at our children's pace. We try to see our lives through their eyes. They want hugs. They want us home, together. They want Friday family movie night. They want Saturday family trail run. They want summers at our place on the lake. They want to bake cookies and then eat them all at once. They want to snuggle in our beds at 3am. They truly just want love and to be loved. They don't care what kind of mark we leave on the world when we leave it, they just want us in it. They don't care what kind of education we received, they just want us to read with them. They don't care if they get into the best colleges in the country, they just want to pursue their strengths and what makes them happy. We no longer concern ourselves with what our kids get from the world, we focus only on what we can give them as their base and primary teachers. I am completely unconcerned about what the school teaches our children in terms of academics. I will teach them anything they lack. All I care about is that they are happy. I don't think our society is designed for happiness. But, fortunately, we can design our family however we choose. When Alex was born and we were given the brutal facts about his brain damage and his prognosis, I said to Erik, "We'll love him as best we can for as long as we have him." To this day, we live by this belief. Then again, the same would be true for any child, regardless of his health. Choosing happiness is a more difficult choice than it appears. Sometimes it takes work to stay in the moment, to appreciate today, to hug our children even when they've just launched one of Mommy's heels at the TV. But choosing happiness brings meaning to every day, and at the same time, may just slow down premature cell death (and that means fewer wrinkles!). If you struggle with happiness, try writing down three things you appreciate from your day, every day, before you go to bed. You will be amazed at the improvement in your outlook on everything, from your kids to your dog.