Sunday, November 7, 2010

Changing Course

Last week, we took the kids on vacation. It was not a particularly fun vacation, because we were doing work on one house and then on another house. It rained a lot and was cold and we were without many of our toys, no TV, etc. But, the kids got to see their grandparents and cousins a few times and just have time to be themselves.

At the start of the week, Alex was incredibly angry. He had reached an all-time high in his anger. He was completely impossible. "No" to everything, bad words, lots of hitting. We were really concerned, and bewildered. There was an incident at the school the week before, where he had either been told or made to feel that he was "bad", and which he repeated at least a dozen times. "Mrs. So-and-so says I'm a bad boy." And he was definitely acting what he felt others were seeing in him. During that same incident, he had not gotten his snack and when I arrived to pick him up, he was crazed with hunger, begging me to give him something to eat and drink. He says his teacher told him if he used good manners he would get his snack, but he didn't and so did not get a snack. The teacher denies this. Either way, Alex believes he was denied snack for bad behavior and this belief has sunk deep into his psyche. I spent the week reading on CP and anger, and we used the vacation week as a time away from the school environment and to practice new approaches to help Alex deal with anger. I can't tell if anything we did actually helped curb Alex's anger. He just seemed to wake up calmer every morning. By Thursday, his behavior had taken a noticeably better turn. By Sunday, we had gone 4 days without significant behavior issues. More importantly, he had been happy for four days, smiling and laughing and relaxed.

Was it school that was stressing him out? Undoubtedly. Was he frustrated seeing other kids perform basic tasks with ease which he couldn't do? Was it the teacher who made him feel "bad"? Was it the biting and hitting he received from other kids in the class? Was it the chaos of the large class size? All of it, none of it? Whatever the stressors, Alex was not thriving in school. I recently read John Maxwell's Failing Forward, which advises that if you find yourself on a failing path, get off it. And so we did. When we mentioned on Sunday that he was returning to school, he got upset and said he would not be given him snack because Mrs. So-and-so thinks he is a bad boy and won't give him his snack. That was all I needed to hear to pull both kids out of the school.

For now, we will return to home schooling. The kids have been accepted into a phenomenal private school, but before embarking on that path, we want to be sure Alex is ready for school. Maybe we will start in the spring, or wait until the fall. Maybe we need to wait another year. We will progress slowly and evaluate. The single most important thing we can do for Alex right now (and I might argue, for any child) is to build his self esteem, through love, trust and positive experiences. That is our mission, and our responsibility.

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